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What Your Internet Habits Say About You (And How We’d Roast You for It)
In the vast digital landscape we call the internet, each of us leaves behind a unique footprint — a digital trail of behaviours that, when examined closely, reveals more about our personalities than we’d probably like to admit. According to the Digital Report 2024, the individual average internet use in Australia clocks in at a whopping 6 hours and 14 minutes online every single day. That’s a lot of scrolling, swiping, and clicking. Today, we’re putting on our armchair psychologist hats (they came free with our internet connection) to analyse what your online habits say about you — and yes, we’re bringing the roast.
The Chronic Tab Hoarder
Who you are
You currently have 47 tabs open across three browser windows. Some of these tabs have been open so long you’ve forgotten what’s in them, but you’re “totally going to read them later.” Your computer fan sounds more like a rocket prepping for takeoff.
The roast
Your browser tabs are like your life goals – ambitious, numerous, and mostly neglected. That article from 2019 you’re “just about to get to”? It’s gathering digital dust alongside your New Year’s resolution to be more organised. Your computer isn’t running slow — it’s staging an intervention. The only thing more cluttered than your browser is your mind when someone asks, “What were you just looking at?” — followed by five minutes of frantic tab-clicking.
What you need
A lightning-fast internet connection that can handle your 50+ tabs without breaking a sweat. Our MATE Unlimited nbn plans are built for intense multitaskers like you. No slowdowns, no judgements, just reliable speed to match your chaotic browser energy. If you’re after the best nbn plan for digital jugglers, this is it.
The Wikipedia Rabbit Hole Diver
Who you are
You started researching something simple for work, and three hours later, you’re reading about obscure medieval farming techniques or the complete evolutionary history of deep-sea creatures.
The roast
Your friends have stopped asking “What have you been up to?” because they know they’ll receive a 20-minute lecture on how the Mongolian throat singing article led you to 18th-century French naval tactics. According to research from Oxford University, this kind of “infomania” can actually reduce your IQ more than smoking marijuana. Your brain is like a trivia night powerhouse wrapped in the productivity of a sloth. You know the detailed lineage of the European monarchy, but you can’t remember to take out the trash. You’d make excellent conversation at parties — if you ever left your Wikipedia wormhole long enough to attend one.
The Social Media Archaeologist
Who you are
You regularly find yourself scrolling through someone’s social media from 2013, analysing their vacation photos and relationship status changes. You’ve mastered the art of the accidental “like” on a post from seven years ago.
The roast
Nothing says “I’m totally not obsessed” like knowing what your ex’s cousin’s former roommate had for lunch in 2015. Your thumb has developed superhuman strength from all that scrolling, yet somehow you still accidentally double-tap posts from half a decade ago. Research shows that excessive social media stalking is linked to higher levels of anxiety and FOMO — but we reckon your FOMO has evolved into something far more powerful. Your detective skills would impress Sherlock Holmes. The ASIO (that’s the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation — yeah, we do have an FBI, who knew!?) should hire you for reconnaissance, but they’re worried about your tendency to leave digital fingerprints on photos from 2012.
What you need
Mobile data plans in Australia that keep you connected wherever your sleuthing takes you. Our generous mobile options mean you can scroll from the couch, train, or the pub without stressing about data caps.
The Comment Section Warrior
Who you are
No online discussion is complete without your opinion. You’ve typed the phrase “Well, actually…” more times than you’ve had hot meals. You believe it’s your sacred duty to correct strangers on the internet.
The roast
Your keyboard must have worn-out C, A, and P keys from typing “CAPS LOCK IS LIKE YELLING” so many times. You’ve spent more hours crafting the perfect response to a YouTube comment than the video creator spent making the actual content. According to the Australian Psychological Society, this kind of online confrontation gives you a temporary dopamine hit but usually leaves you feeling worse afterwards. Your family misses you at dinner, but they understand you’re busy explaining to DogLover429 why their take on economic policy is flawed. You believe you’ve won countless debates, but the only thing you’ve actually won is the “Most Likely to Respond to a Rhetorical Question” award.
The Perpetual Online Shopper
Who you are
Your browser history is 90% online stores. You have items sitting in at least seven different shopping carts right now. You know all the delivery people by name.
The roast
You’ve convinced yourself that adding items to cart is “just browsing” and not a cry for help. Australian Post reported that Aussies spent over $62.3 billion on online shopping last year, and we’re pretty sure half of that was you. Your bank has called several times to confirm your identity because no reasonable person would need that many phone cases. The dopamine hit you get from clicking “purchase” has become one of your biggest sources of joy in life. You’ve memorised your credit card details faster than important phone numbers. The delivery people have a support group chat about your address. The only thing emptier than your wallet is the void you’re trying to fill with novelty kitchen gadgets you’ll use exactly once.
What you need
MATE’s Bundle & Save options combine mobile and internet to stretch your budget further — ideal when you’ve got multiple parcels in transit and a wishlist that won’t quit— looking for the best internet plan comparison? This one delivers.
The Conspiracy Theory Enthusiast
Who you are
You’ve gone so far down the internet rabbit hole that you’re practically in Wonderland. You use the phrase “Do your research” at least three times a day. Your browser history would make an FBI agent raise an eyebrow.
The roast
You believe the government is tracking your every move, yet you’ve voluntarily given your DNA to three different ancestry websites. You’re suspicious of mainstream news but completely trust a website built in 1997 with Comic Sans font. According to research from Queensland University, about 20% of Aussies believe in at least one conspiracy theory — congrats on being in that special club! Your family has a code word for when you start explaining why the moon landing was fake. You have more tin foil on your head than in your kitchen. You’ve connected dots that exist in different universes. The truth isn’t “out there”, it’s hiding from you specifically.
The Meme Hoarder and Mass Sharer
Who you are
Your camera roll is 90% memes, 5% screenshots of memes, and 5% actual photos. You send memes to friends at 3 AM with the caption “this is so you.”
The roast
Your friends have created a separate notification sound just for you — it’s the sound of silence because they’ve muted you. You believe sending someone the perfect meme is equivalent to actual emotional support. Studies show that meme sharing actually does build social bonds, but there’s definitely such a thing as too much of a good thing. Your idea of keeping up with current events is knowing which new meme format is trending. You’ve run out of cloud storage three times this year alone. You’re more fluent in meme references than your native language. When someone asks what you’ve been up to, you show them a meme instead of answering — and somehow, it makes perfect sense to you.
What you need
Our high-speed unlimited nbn plans in Australia come with no data caps, because we know you’re downloading and sharing gigabytes of memes daily. Someone’s gotta keep Australia’s meme economy running, and it might as well be you.
The Influencer Aspirant
Who you are
You’ve never met a brunch that didn’t deserve to be photographed from 17 different angles. Your Instagram bio contains the words “journey” or “lifestyle.” You speak in hashtags.
The roast
You spent two hours arranging your coffee cup next to your journal, which you’ve never actually written in. Your friends now budget an extra 30 minutes for meals to account for your photoshoot. You’ve used the phrase “building my brand” to describe posting selfies. Research from the AANA shows there are over 7,000 active Aussie influencers, but somehow you’re still struggling to break 500 followers. Your bathroom counter is cluttered with products you don’t use but keep for flat lays. You practice your candid laugh in the mirror. Your followers think you live a perfect life, but they don’t see you eating cereal for dinner in the dark while scrolling through filters. The only thing more filtered than your photos is the version of yourself you present online.
Which MATE Plan Suits Your Internet Personality?
Gotta admit, we’re all guilty of at least one of these internet sins (some of us at MATE HQ ticked multiple boxes — no judgement here). But different online habits and internet usage in Australia demand different internet solutions:
For the Data Hungry (Social Media Archaeologists, Meme Hoarders)
You need our Soul Mate nbn 100 plan with blistering speeds and unlimited data. Because your appetite for content knows no bounds, and neither should your internet plan.
For the Always-Connected (Tab Hoarders, Comment Warriors)
Our Great Mate nbn 50 plan gives you reliable speeds across multiple devices. Perfect for when you’ve got 50 tabs open and are simultaneously arguing in three different comment sections.
For the Mobile Addicts (Influencers, Online Shoppers)
Check out our 15GB Mobile Plan with unlimited calls and texts. Ideal for posting those crucial brunch photos or panic-buying another unnecessary gadget while you’re out and about.
For the Value Seekers (Everyone, Really)
Our Bundle & Save options combine mobile and internet to save you up to $10 a month. That’s money you could spend on… well, let’s be honest, probably more online shopping.
Before you feel personally attacked, remember: we’re all guilty of at least one of these internet sins. Our online habits are just digital extensions of our wonderfully weird human quirks. So, embrace your internet persona — just maybe close a few of those tabs while you’re at it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check the 37 items in my Amazon cart that I’ll definitely never buy. At least with my MATE internet, my nbn data usage isn’t going to be slowing me down! I can even load all those product pages simultaneously!
Want to find the perfect plan for your particular brand of internet obsession? Check out our plans or give our Aussie-based team a call. We promise not to roast your internet habits…again.
